Last night's Cardio Kickboxing class made me want to go home and watch those making of the Matrix videos and say to Keanu, "Honey, how did you do this?" I kept picturing him in that scene fighting with the multiple Agent Smiths, man, that was a lot of work, I couldn't even kick for 25 seconds straight. I almost passed out at a point. He deserves an award just for working so damn hard, that alone is deserving of a hug or an applause.
To Keanu for kicking ass and working so damn hard if they don't nominate you, you know you are number 1, always forever in my book.
Back to normalcy:
I haven't been concentrating too good at work. I keep falling into this funk, emotional funk. One side of my heart is saying, run to him, beg him, plead with him, this is not good, this has got to stop, we can't just stop seeing each other just like that. This is the emotional side talking, the side that often gets my heart racing at times.
Then, the other side, the everyday independent woman Anita is saying, you have done this all the time, everyday in all your relationships and it gets you nowhere, you get back together but it never works, it was not meant to work out, that's why you are still unmarried and almost 30. Why don't we do it a little differently this time, toughen up and wait for the man to come to you? You can be alone. You have been alone. It is so not the end of the world. What did you have with him that was so great, besides sex, that is gonna make him remember you? Nothing. This side is harsh, but obviously not harsh enough. I faltered a little yesterday, as it rang I didn't know what to say and thank goodness he didn't pick up. How can he screw me like that and act like he doesn't miss it? Am I too needy, or too in touch with the part of me that feels?
No one knows how I feel, except whoever is reading this, and judging from the hits I get, I know it is just little ole' me, so that is fine with me. I can grieve alone, misery does not always deserve company if it comes in the form of ridicule.
It just hurts.
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