Yesterday I finally broke down and cried, wept continuously endlessly even until this morning after I heard my next door neighbor having sex at 9:30 in the morning. I can't describe why it feels as if my insides have been taken out, I don't think it necessarily means I am in love or anything of that permanent nature, it just feels bad and its just the cap of a very sucky week.
Yesterday began badly and ended just as badly. I must have called him a dozen times and my phone did some mindless calling of its own. I just needed to feel close with somebody over the hurt I was feeling. My life is not going great right now. My job sucks, my pay sucks and my love life just caved and gave way to this big hole in my heart that I cannot fill, for God only knows why. Why is my happiness always momentary, two weeks ago I was in his arms laughing and screaming at how happy it made me feel, today I am an emotional wreck. Can't Cupid see what this whole thing is doing to me? I promised myself I wouldnt cry again, that I would just let it go that once but everytime I fall deep into thinking about this it hurts some more. In my sleep I found myself talking to my brother about my problems, and in between of course I woke up to realism and no one to talk to. The silence is so overwhelming.
I had planned out this weekend a couple of weeks ago, how I would get paid, do the drive to Kennessaw, come back to Atlanta and do dinner and a movie all with him in mind. But now, it's like me alone in the car, thinking and soliloquizing as to what's the point?
Bridget Jones described it succintly when she said:
Sink into morbid cynical reflection on how much romantic heartbreak is to do with ego and miffed pride rather than actual loss. When someone leaves you, apart from missing them apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love.
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