Sometimes I am under the illusion that if I don't write on here long enough that someone will actually notice me missing and then send out an APB and wonder, "What has become of the great mind of Anita? I miss her sombre reflective notes." But no one does.

I have been battling a mixture of feelings since I wrote in here, too multiple to put down on paper. It's somewhat a mixture of being strapped for ideas, and being elated beyond words, and feeling want for more inspiration and having to search for a concise way to put this all down without sounding too complex. Also, I have been on a "career" hunt. yes. That is always an emotional rollercoaster because it makes you question yourself, your inadequacies, and wonder why someone is putting a mirror to them for you.

And in some ways, I have been Keanu-ified, if that is a word. I bought this horrid bootleg book that is supposed to be biographical called The Keanu Matrix. And being that it is Matrix season again, I am bombarded with him everywhere, on every talk show, article, website, every piece of media. Then, my own want and lust for him, and my insecurities and distress that this is one of those far-fetched dreams that defies all the odds known to man come gaping at me begging for a resolution.

Everytime I hear him say, "I want to be in a relationship, I want to be happy in a relationship, I just want to be happy." It calls to mind my own thoughts as it voices them completely and more concisely than I have been able to in my 2 years of writing this journal. And it makes me think, he wants what I want, except I want something in addition, which is him, and that I know I can never have, and perhaps this is the deep set reason for my displeasure with my life, with this world, with every situation I have been put in, that there is a lid to the things I can't have, and he epitomizes it.

We'll talk some more, some other time.