To Anita, On Her 41st Year

Wow. Another year.

As you get older once your birthday looms, you think of so many things, so many paths taken, not taken, so many decisions you should have stuck to but didn't have enough conviction. So many things...

On the day of, I tried not to think too much and tried to shake off any negativity, sourcing for healing and positive energy. I took a long walk in the misty rain and danced in the rain. I found myself thinking all through the walk, "Though it may seem like any other Saturday morning to you Anita, but today is different. It's my birthday." And that just added a little kick to my step. 

From there, I spent a considerable amount of time in church and just sat and meditated with the Lord. It gave me a sense of relief to be able to spend a much longer time than I would normally with the Lord on my birthday. 

The thing that struck me most about this birthday which I'll always remember is the calm and joy that I was able to summon to face the day in an environment and without the people I wanted to share it with. God brought love, joy and peace into my day and it's even reflected in the pictures of myself that I took that day. I just radiated positive love and light from the inside out - this is something I have been searching for constantly in my meditation. 

Granted there were moments I thought all the things I asked for to be present on my birthday did not quite make it to me. But I have good health and a few friends who spotted me a few bucks to splurge on dinner so that gave me cause to be joyous and thankful to God for His continuous presence in my life. 

There's this scene from the most unassuming movie Speed that often replays in my head. After the near death experiences that Keanu and Sandra have encountered in the bomb wired bus, he breaks down when he hears that his partner's been killed. This was their last attempt at escaping from the bus and with that shattered he just seemingly lost all hope. He has a fit and gently says to Sandra in a defeated tone: We're gonna die. 

And she replies softly: No, we're not. We've gone this far. 

So many times in my life, even before Nigeria, I've come to points where I've thought: "I'm not gonna make it."

But I hear God tell me: You are. You've come this far. 

I thought about that a lot when I assessed where I am in my life. Where I thought I'd be. How to get to where I want to be. The pitfalls, cruelty and profound loneliness I've experienced in the past year. The man trouble, oh all the  Negro trouble of the past year. It seemed daunting, hopeless almost. Like I had just passed through one of the most humiliating years in my life, and I was afraid that life might deal me something more. But then, I remembered Sandra's words, and thought, We're not gonna fail, because, we've come this far. There's no other way to go except forward. 

To the 41st year, I want to simply say Thank You. You didn't break us. We're still here.