Where do I begin?

From today and maybe work my way upwards...

This morning, someone decided to start my day all badly just because he felt that something wasn't done the way oh Lord and mighty wanted it. I could go and on but I do not want to, it will only annoy me more, I just keep asking myself: If all men come like him, I'd rather be single cos' I really don't want to be faced with all the crude, irrational temper tantrums and pettiness and childishness that he comes with. I COULDN'T IGNORE IT. I often do but this time I just couldn't. Hell! it was 6:15 in the morning you can't ignore anything at that time it's too damn early.

So there was a lockdown and to it all yes; I am thinking seriously more seriously into getting a place of my own. This isn't working. I wish it was but it's not. Blood no longer becomes thick once it has been considerably and durably diluted with water and so it weakens its strength and power, and forces it to dissolve and evaporate and that is what I seek...to evaporate.

But that was just this morning:

The good thing is I met the most delightful old gentleman in the train and he was so polite and well-spoken it blew me to bits. His comforting voice touched and and calmed me that I didn't want to get out of the train. I did eventually, I shouldn't have, I should have just told him what the heck was wrong with me and why I had been trickling tears down my cheek all morning during the ride. But I didn't. And I know I will never see him again but I just felt the need to break away at that time. I still missed my fucking bus and cried some more at the freezing ass bus station, so why didn't I spend some more time connecting with his sage mind.


But I deviate.

I can't remember what else happened to me this week. The devastating events of today have erased it all from memory. Good things:
Will and Grace last night, (2 thumbs up!)
I had the most interesting conversation with Elizabeth, the girl at work, that made me get to understand her and look at her in a deeper more appreciative way. And she is so nice...she hit a spot tonight, that hardly happens with anybody.
My conversation online with Dillettante.devochka and
My new VCR which I still haven't christened with the BSB around the world tape. Asides from them, nothing of note, that could take away the bitterness of this morning.


I couldn't go to Buffalo's on Thursday evening like I should have...neither did I go to Chili's, Barbie is on the verge of firing me, I can tell. I'll quit first, surely I should. And I didn't do sooo many things I should have...


I am just really in that pissed-off-just-kill-me-now-the only-thing-that-will-help-is-a-slow-soft-screw-from-Keanu mood right now. The best part of the day was in the evening coming home, there's this guy who takes me home, a cab driver I often use his services. He said the things I have often said and my sister's rebuked them like I am just being a foolish brat.

He said, "I hate this town. They make it so fucking difficult for you to live in it. (I nodded quite so happily at this) You can't a car easily and even if you do, you can't afford to put gas in it, and even if you don't want a car you can't afford to use public transportation, why because there isn't any, and the fucking streets are so dark and deserted you can't go home or walk home. Fucking stupid place, I wouldn't advice my enemy to come live up here."

He took the words right out of my mouth and made them his.

This is partially one of the reasons I wish someone would take me away quickly, peacefully so I don't have to pass through all this pain and contempt and bitterness for too long. Quick and easy, heck! I might even pay you for it! I am sure as hell not happy living what else is there to live for?

To that end I crossed the road dangerously this evening. The car slowed down for me. He shouldn't have! I swear he shouldn't have...