To what do we owe this life?

I've had a a really rough week, emotionally. I can't really say what triggered the unknown sadness but it just came upon me sometime Sunday and then got worse Monday, Tuesday, etc. Last night, I actually thought about the S word. Yikes! I haven't thought of that in a very long time. And yes, I am taking my multivitamins which are supposed to be mood enhancers. No, it is not part of the vacation withdrawal, though I earnestly wish it was. I don't know what it is.

It started actually last weekend. I had a very unaccomplished weekend. Even though I found myself in upstate New York (don't ask), I was not elated. The weather was glum and all around me were earnest achievers. I was once like that and all that I achieved didn't really make sense or help to lift me from my constant state of glum. So I chucked it up to nothing and kept on going. Then, I came back to Atlanta. Happy to reunite with my car and actually be mobile. That always brings a smile to my face. I don't care where you are, if you are not mobile you suddenly feel lost. I do anyway. Here in Atlanta. No matter where I go. Upstate New York where the weather is glum or Los Angeles where the weather is sunny and refreshing, or even Philly where the crime is at an all-time high, no matter where, I always feel a sense of "What the heck is this place?" whenever I land in Atlanta. I am not making this shit up.

Mood Shifter No. 1.

I didn't go to church which I should have done. But I went and used the last bit of money I had to get my hair braided. The braider didn't do such a good job. Whatever job they do, you still have to pay them. That's just how it is. In the end, I spent all day in there, famished beyond recognition and was still not happy with the hairstyle.

Mood Shifter No. 2.

The biggie came. I went to eat and had an interesting meal. Amazing conversation with someone. Really charming fucker I ran into. I found myself laughing, uncontrollably. However, I will never see this person again. How do I know, because I know now that's how it works. It's always been like this in this place. No matter how much I will to see them again, or will that my luck will change, which I secretly pray that it will, I have come to accept the opposite. Which is sad but true. Why can't I see them again? Why can't I get to laugh again? If I could only have this chance to laugh again, perhaps I wouldn't be so glum, don't you think?

Mood Shifter No. 3.

There you have it folks. 3 Significant Mood Shifters. Then, there are things at work and with my "friends" that just irk me. Then, I stupidly watched My Lovely Bones which was god-awful and utterly depressing. Don't ever watch this if you are in a sensitive state like I am.

A whole mess of things that you think would lighten the fuck up but they don't. I've thought of a couple of things to shake me from my mood, like go to the movies, go shopping, go drinking, do some writing, do anything. None of them seem like they would work. I haven't tried them but they don't seem all that appealing to me either.

I know it will pass and I will soon get back to my giggly self. I know that, Yes, it will wane. However. It remains. Though waned. Though subdued. It remains.