Laissez-Faire attitude

For as long as I've known myself, I've always had a laissez-faire attitude towards work. It is work after all and I don't take it seriously. I don't know what that says about me. I am constantly stuck in this escapist mode of "This is not where I want to be and I don't want to be in here." And I am always, always trying to run away from "it." I cannot understand it. Maybe because I never end up in a place where "it" is great, you know. It is always some hum drum place that doesn't meet my imagination of where my future is, like the grass is always greener attitude. Get me to where the grass is greener because I don't like this place.

I've been drawn to the Bohemian, beatnik, hippie-esque lifestyle. Maybe the modern day life, with a husband, two kids, surburban house, picket fence and gas guzzling SUV isn't for me. It's not for everybody. Maybe that's what I am trying to find. A place where the rules are lax and self-expression is welcomed. Only I don't know where that place is. And I am constantly in search of it. Don't you think I would have found it by now, at this age...How can I convince myself to accept (and be content with) the present (as if it's the best there is)?

I've spent the last four days telling everyone that I am relocating. Everyone. My tattooist, my hairdresser, my co-worker, my neighbor, I mean everyone. This is unlike me because I don't like to share my plans with anyone until they are finalized. I have a weird feeling that it jinxs the future plans. Whatever plans they may be? Maybe I am trying to make a promise to myself that this is it, and you must carry this out no matter what unless you might have to face the shame of telling all these people why you didn't leave? When they see you here this time next year, if they ask you, "So are you still in Atlanta, I thought you were leaving?" I would be too ashamed to respond. Whatever reason it is...I promise this day not to discuss this with anyone anymore. I've told the last person that I need to and I have made up my mind to direct my efforts into making this work or just keeping my mouth shut.