It's October, I'm glad

It's finally October.

I thought I'd never complete September. It started with me angry and ended with me, not so angry but still recalling facets of my anger. It was not a good look. It took days and days of yoga, meditation and prayer to get me to stop being so mad. Eventually, I still have traces of anger but it's not overwhelming. I just hope I never get that angry again.

So have I forgiven 2012? I've just resolved to never talk about 2012. Ever. Not even with you, dear blog. What I can say is that I realized the shittiness of my month may have had to do with my mum arriving last month. I noticed that every Saturday after she arrived I was besieged with some form of bad news or the other. I don't know if it was the devil's way of testing me, or just something to do with having a visitor in my home. It just brought on bad vibes that reigned on me, even when she left I felt like I had to pray constantly to shake off the aura.

That's one observation.

I also observed that I seem to be besieged with lackluster guys. When I was trying to get over Trouble I had the best time ever. I went clubbing, I had a kickass vacation, I went to the best parties, I encountered some awesome men. I just generally had an awesome time. Getting over him was more fun than actually being with him. It was a blast. But 2012, not so much. Every where I go I keep waiting to have an all-around great time, but it doesn't happen. The life is just so sucked out of it. I've tried travelling, going here, there, met some blokes, gone to some of the trusty fun places I normally go, but no can do. It just ends up being blah! I spend so much money and I am blah-ed out. Even sadder that I am out of a whole lot of money without any fun to show for it. Even the men I've met have been blah and that has upset me even more. Once I tried to have fun, I came close but then I realized the audacity of what I was doing was so despicable, unseeming. Plus, there were some elements of it that were awful as well. Not my proudest moment.

I wish I could emphatically say what this is about. Maybe something doesn't want me to forget about him, maybe there's still some more fire left in us or maybe I am giving him too much power. I don't know. I just haven't run into this type of lackluster haven in awhile and it troubles me. I've resigned to stop fighting it. If it's time to forget him, I will. Let's not try to force the issue. Let's let fate decide.

So 2 observations in one month. Plus a vow to keep silent. I am doing good.