Someone I Used To Know

Every once in awhile, we meet people and we get to know this person but then something happens that makes you realize this is not really the person I've known and seemingly grown to love...this is a different cat.

How do we adjust to that? Accept that?

We seek God's face.

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I took this picture on February 11, 2016. Sent it to my friend (and then lover) as a joke, to start a refreshing conversation. I rarely eat pizza. I can't stand cheese and it tastes very raw and spongey to my tongue. When I do eat pizza the few times that I have, I often eat flatbread pizza. It has minimal cheese and more toppings, especially the meat-lovers toppings that mask the doughy taste of the cheese with the bread.

When I sent this picture to my friend, unbeknownst to me he was dating this petite fitness obsessed adrenaline junkie at the time. Some young lady who probably doesn't know what size 40 hips feel like in her entire life. He was on this health kick so the mere sight of me eating flat bread pizza for the first time since eating it with him (sadly in his car) about a year ago seemed like an abomination. He (like all my notes and emails once he was tuned into this new "movement,") rebuffed my lunch foodie #selfie, asking me to instead "eat a lot healthier."

Surprisingly, at that time I was at my skinniest in Naija. I was on 2 diet pills and a 2-week cleanse so I was skinnier than I've ever been since being back. But his rebuff, his disdain, his choice of all things skinny mini made me feel fatter and less appreciated than I do now. Now. At my heaviest in 8 years.

I've never been skinny. I don't remember not having hips. The slimmest my hips have ever been was a size 38 (Wow, where are those hips when you need 'em?) I may never be without hips, curves, a pudgy belly. Neither will I ever have the narrow kind of frame where everything stands straight and boxy, less feminine. Or have the legs, the thighs that are just there without jiggle, supple and never meet. I don't know what those are. I see them, but I don't know what it feels like to have 'em. I'm working on building thighs with contours. The Serena (Williams) kind. Plus, the arse too! 😳

But for now ... now, it's diet (pills), some juices, a lot of cleanses and some exercise for me. And embracing...loving...appreciating the woman I am at my age. Not caring at this stage in my life if am anyone's "spec" or not. I just wish they would have told me that I was not their spec. It would have helped. Saved me a lot of time too. 

When they make you feel less...how do you punish them? How do you punish yourself for letting it happen, for letting that abuse come disguised as love?

You seek God's face...