Conscious Coupling Terms and Conditions

This was one of the most profound responses I received to a recent online "Ted Talk" I gave on the advantages of a Cougar relationship:

Do you have to teach him basic hygiene, social etiquette and boundaries though or is he functional all by himself? 

Even back then, someone had identified issues such as, boundaries, social etiquette and basic hygiene as being central handicaps of the man-child relationship. The scales on my eyes were screwed on tightly then I suppose because clearly these issues had raised their ugly heads and I just chose to ignore them. I was trying to be open, fluid, less judgmental and more attuned to the love energy that I thought I was experiencing! Now, I sit here and wonder how women suppress men's faults and still carry on with them.

I presume, faults is a strong word, but more general hiccups, bad habits, male species living conditions.  Varying from the leaving the clothes laying around, the toilet seat that never goes down, the never making the bed when they get up, the total complete surrender of the remote control. These are not deal breakers, I know, but you get the picture.  

To put them in legalese they can be considered breaches, of the man-woman space construct. If I choose to be in a relationship and occasionally co-habit with you, these are my terms and conditions which you agree to abide by in order for us to co-habit. Any MATERIAL breach of these terms will result in an automatic termination of the relationship. Several breaches will result in a warning which you must cure within (standard 30 days but for relationship sake) 10 days or at least until we can co-habit again. If it is not cured, the relationship will be automatically terminated and you must return all things provided to you up till and including the date of termination. Oh of course, the confidentiality terms of this relationship mandate that upon termination, you do not disclose anything that may have been shared with you during the course of the relationship, at least for another 5 years. Terms of dispute resolution should be specific, in the event that there's a dispute between us, it will not be arbitrated by any of our friends or family. We would choose independent parties to act as our arbitrators. 

It all fits in so nicely. I wonder why people don't sign these before they consciously couple up. Or maybe these terms are more suitable for a pre-nup situation? But that's for marriage, what happens in a "let's try and date exclusively" type of relationship? I used the words, "let's try" and "exclusively" because we all know exclusivity is a struggle for relationships these days, and of course, getting into the relationship is a contention too, every one wants to try and wrangle into some form of "situationship" or fluid asymmetrical coupling detached from society's interpretation of what couples should be. 

I used to believe in all of these until one day I didn't. I got so overwhelmed with all the information and the different configurations that I realised something else was more important to me. Asides from me, obviously, and my sanity, I needed to have sole control of my remote control. In the home that I built with my bare hands without any help from any male, I needed to have sole control and ownership of my remote control. I think I earned it, don't you?