Marriage is Finite

Today. 

Unintentionally. I came across some old diary clippings from 2016. In 2016 when I worked in PH, I had used this nifty desk calendar to jot down my appointments, meeting notes, and miscellaneous to-do's. Today I found this calendar and needed to throw it away but first, I needed to rid it of any sensitive information. 

As I sieved through it, tearing out pages of data, I came across the entries below. They were from my trip to Lagos (from PH) for Christmas in 2015. 

January 2 - Weave Done. Lunch with Bae
January 4 - Farewell Lunch with Bae.
January 5 - Trip back to Slum (aka PH my old job). 

Needless to say this lunch date that started about 2pmish lasted until about 8 or 9 pm. It was an amazing, thrilling farewell lunch indeed. The fondness of this memory is futile now because exactly about a month after this celebrated lunch date, according to "Bae", he met his now wife. Then he immediately stopped taking any of my calls or texts from PH and relegated me to the pitiable "friend zone." Approximately 7 months from that, they got engaged and are currently living in wedded bliss with a 1 year old daughter. This is 2019. All this transformation and growth (for Bae not me!) occurred in less than 2 years. 

I keep asking myself: What did I miss? What am I doing wrong? What did I do wrong? To Bae? To the Universe? How can you be with someone and they are with you (I presume?) and then they meet someone a month later and decide they want to commit and advance a lifetime with this individual within one year. 

Maybe I never really prayed to marry Bae while I was with him. I just wanted him to be my Bae, while I sorted my shit out (career, etc.,) and he did his. There was no purposeful intention with me or us, at all. I thought a loving exploration would eventually lead to a loving partnership or marriage, in due course. Isn't that how it's supposed to organically transform?

The other day at church, as I watched all the young mothers walk to the pew with their restless playful kids in tow, their faces gleaming with pride, I remembered a time in college when this was our goal - to be young doting wives and mothers. Well, not mine but everyone else's. We were just about to graduate and become young lawyers, 24/25, fresh faced, eager young ladies, ready to conquer the world. Well, some women were just ready to have that certificate hang in their bedroom. All they really wanted was a husband who would respect them as a graduate and put some babies in them. They wanted to be educated over-qualified homemakers. But I...I wanted something more. To change the world...perhaps. So you see, marriage was never my purposeful intention...should it have been?

Been watching this British show called The Split that focuses on a high-end law firm that deals primarily with high-profile divorces. As seedy and profitable as the cases come, the lawyers do not relish in them, personally or professionally, but this is what they do, they deal everyday with divorces and the dirty secrets that spill from a once loving marriage's demise. They watch people who at some point were head over heels for each other and now, that they are not, they are actually seemingly pissed with each other, so they go at each other cut and dry. With both or at least one of the partners in the marriage now being rather successful, they've sought the aid of this high profile divorce law firm to handle their divorce. And what I love about the show is that it causes the lawyers to also take an introspective look at their own marriages, to explore the "what if's" to check their marriage's temperature...I mean if it could happen to these folks, they're not immune.

That's when one of them said, "Marriage is finite." 

"Don't let the notion of forever consume you...it works until it doesn't work, you're married until you can no longer be married and then, you don't have to stay married."

I wonder if the folks that stay or force themselves to stay in these marriages due to tradition tell themselves this? Did my 24/25 year old girlfriends know this in college? I suppose you have to sieve through several divorces professionally to arrive at this conclusion. Or you have to go through "Bae" marrying someone a mere 9 months after you both had one of the best boozy farewell lunches of your relationship to realize...marriage is all sh*t, and it is hard to wish them - him or anyone else for that matter - well. 

I don't really have a happy or profound ending to this post. 

Except, if marriage is your intention...set it as your intention and concentrate on it. And if it's not, then it's not and don't let certain "Bae's" come into your life to distract you. Treat them just as disposable as they probably would've treated you and try to find it in you to wish them well just like Jesus did, for they seriously, really do not know what they are doing - like at all. And pray that when you, (and if you do), find a life partner you would have a (frigging) clue. 

...

From the heart #AnitaWrites