A Day Later

I've learnt a lot about myself in the past 4 days since the big news. 

1. That old people are filled with such sage advice. Like the gentleman at dinner on Saturday night who taught me two things without even hearing my story - he said, look at a man's relationship with his mother, and get someone who pays his own way. I just thought that was so left field that it hit home.

2. That there's a cool little shop called Phoenix and Dragon in Atlanta, about 2 miles from where I used to live. A shop that sells spiritual cleansing incense. Who knew?

3. That I should look to the future, the tomorrows and day afters and not to the yesterdays and days before, no matter how great they may seem. That I should look into creating new memories :-)

4. That I should be with people who value being with me, spending time with me and not stay with them just because they're cute because if they are not Keanu cute, really how cute can they be?

5. That if a man argues with you....well...I don't know, you take that any where you want to. This is the first man that's ever argued with me so I'm a tad confused. Does it mean he's a passionate man or a childish man? I say the latter but I am inclined to think the former because I know this particular person is not passionate at all.   

  

6. That I should learn to love my newly cleansed home no matter who's been in it.

7. That when praying, you should pray for your enemies as well. That was a tough one. To be the bigger, scorned person who prays for her enemies. That's just hard. But today I did that. I prayed that my "enemy" finds his path as I try to sort out mine. 

8. That I should let God figure out who's path belongs together. As He says, let thy will be done. Crazy, everyone knows this one, but sometimes it's hard to accept this in some situations. 

9. That mothers will call you every five minutes just to make sure you are doing okay.

10. That celebrities who go through public breakups must be built of steel. How do they do that?

11. That alcohol does not solve everything. You may think it does but it doesn't. This one was weird for me because I've always trusted my 40 degree proof good friends to get me through every problem but this one defied logic and just blew them out of the water. 

12. That sometimes when I write stories, fictional stories, they just might happen to me in real life. No shit. How uncanny! And when they do, it's not a sign, just a freaky coincidence. Don't read anything into it, Anita. 

13. That in the heat of anger, men (those that argue) say shitty things, and you should try to be the bigger person and not say shit back, even though it may get so hard. 

14. That there are really some problems you shouldn't share with people. You should learn to contain and compose yourself and listen to Adele (constantly...she knows what she's talking about). 

15. Most importantly, that when someone you think you love and laugh with tells you that all the laughter and the hugs and the kisses and the tremendous sex never meant anything, that it was nothing to him, hearing that should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day and continue with life like you didn't just hear that, like you imagined all those moments. But you do....because when life hits you, you just have to learn how to keep hitting back. As Stallone said, "It's not how hard you get hit it's how you can get up each time you get hit"....(or something like that.)

I think as writers we get tested emotionally, more than others because we are tapped into that part of us that feels, unlike other people, and it's that part that produces the best stories about love, life, hope, trials. Look at Stallone with the Rocky movies, Sex and the City, or Kristin Wiig (Just saw Bridesmaids...amazing!) and of course, my personal favorite, Under the Tuscan Sun. 

So I've learnt a lot about myself in the past 4 days. I don't know how long it will take to rebuild emotionally but I am trying. Maybe by this time next year I'll wonder what all the fuss was about, he's not even Keanu cute. Meh, maybe. I just hope the rebuilding occurs sooner rather than later. Just saying....it's taking it's sweet time. :-)

He was just not that into me

So things came to a somewhat sad ending today.

Trouble called me this morning at 8.33am. The first call he said nothing, just asked me how I was. I hesitated for a while before I answered the call. I just knew he didn't have anything good to say. Sometime last week my horoscope told me I would gain some clarity on the confusing actions I've been receiving from a loved one. And just when I thought the week was over, there it was.

The second time he called, I was at my desk. Then he said, words that I've heard in my past but hurt each time. "I've started seeing someone and it's getting pretty serious." In summary, in the past 3 weeks he started seeing someone new and now he's in love with her. Mr. Keep-it-Lite is all of sudden in a hot and heavy relationship with someone. And it all came down to chemistry. He said his chemistry with her is so amazing and with me it wasn't...I guess he just was not feeling me. So since he's "feeling" her, he thought it was worth breaking the whole I-don't-want-to-get-too-serious rule. He said, "I want to respect what I have with her and not mess it up." While he was with me he was sleeping with other people and didn't feel the need to respect me. But with her, he wants it to be different.

What am I doing wrong? I know it all comes down to chemistry and destiny and who you're meant to be with, but seriously what am I doing wrong? Inasmuch as the conversation provided some clarity and closure, it was just upsetting. All this while I was praying for me to feel better and dealing with my inner turmoil, while God was there giving him true love. So he was probably laughing loudly while I was sulking and drinking (heavily) trying to forget him. With each tear I cried he was there meeting the love of his life and seems to be in total love bliss. How is this fair?

This would be the last time I talk about this, in June. It's been an awful couple of months. From the first quarrel on May 11th, to the heated conversation on May 20th, to ignoring my angry text on May 25th, to the cold birthday wish on June 3rd to this day, June 24th, his speech about how he is now in love with some new darling and I was just fodder for him.

I'm hoping that as the new month comes, God has pity on me, comforts me and dries my tears and helps me put this to rest. I pray that I see God's face in this chaos and that there is redemption, some type of win for me after all this, how could he be in somewhat "wedded" bliss while I was in shambles. How is that fair?

Anita Writes Celebrates Her Birthday in 2011

Hey, I'm in San Diego, cannot complain. Will happily turn another age if I had to be in a different environment preferably with sunny sandy beaches (and ahem! hot guys). 

The view from my hotel room window at the Harbor View Inn and Suites on West Grape Street. I insisted on a good room by continually reminding the lady that it was my birthday the following day saying, "Lady, you don't understand, it's my birthday tomorrow and I just flew in from Atlanta and I'm checking in by myself, does that make sense?" See how you score a good room.

My good friends at The Local understood what I was talking about when I said, "I know it's only 11am but it's my birthday today so if you don't mind I would like to start Happy Hour way early." That scored me a beer on the house. Things were looking good.

Saw a sign pointing visitors to the Heavenly Cup Cake and decided it was worthy of a stop, after all, need a cake to wish my sad self a Happy Birthday after all. However, they were lacking of two essential items - no cupcakes without icing (who does that?) and a Happy Birthday cupcake. In fact, she was none too pleased when I told her it was my birthday, never neglecting to charge me full price, she didn't even have the decency to toss in a mini-cupcake. That's just bad customer service, if you ask me.

 This restaurant is my spot in Atlanta so I thought it deserved a picture of its own upon sighting it in the San Diego Gaslamp District. You travel all these miles (several planes later) and bump into the same watering holes you frequent in Atlanta. Interesting!

 By my next stop to partake of "Happy Hour" drinks at the Whiskey Girl Bar, I was now taking pictures of my foot. What $3 dollar shots would do to you? This was another place that was not too enthused about the fact that it was my birthday. They didn't even throw a free shot my way - San Diego, how stingy. I'm not kidding, you can look at my license for verification, it is my birthday and I flew all the way from Atlanta!!! Oh well.

The scene at the Gaslamp district of all the fine bars and restaurants just at the start of lunch hour. Empty! That's what they get for not being hospitable, hmm...

 Took my ass to the mall since I was so done with trying to score free (birthday) drinks from the empty bars, I decided to do some shopping, shoe shopping most especially. The mall was enormous, very nicely laid out, could have quite easily spent the day there but really, nice days in California are rare and I decided to capitalize on this one before I lost it.

 Pacific Beach. What can I say....the beach makes everything all good! It took me about an hour plus to get here, was momentarily diverted by the sign that led to a church, thought I could squeeze a quick prayer into my day (amidst all the drinking) but lo and behold, it was closed, much like Santa Barbara last year. So I headed on down to the beach, walked to Pacific Beach Shore Club and the view was just phenomenal.

This is my first drink at Pacific Beach Club, I promise! Yes, I took this picture of myself, amidst the couples that were taking in the sunset together. File this under: Things you do when you vacation by yourself. Also, they did not extend any birthday shots my way. They told everyone in the restaurant I was vacationing by myself on my birthday so they stopped by to hug (and secretly ridicule) me but no free shots. :-( Is it the economy, San Diego or just me? I daresay, San Diego was less hospitable than Santa Barbara.

Hung around and waited for the sunset at Pacific Beach Club. It's everything like I imagined, serene, peaceful and just heavenly. It's worth the several planes (and rude US Airways hostesses) and bus trips. It's worth leaving Atlanta in a heartbeat (but for the crummy economy!).

It's all a blur from Pacific Beach to the next day (so I claim!) but the next day, the walk from my hotel to Little Italy seemed "sun shinier" than usual ever have that feeling when you have some extra pep in your step, plus there was a little ole' Catholic Church round the corner where I could ask for forgiveness for all my sins. (Who knew!).

So that's Anita's 2011 Birthday in a nutshell in the sunshiny Southern California beauty known as San Diego. It may not look like it but it cost a whole lot of money though and looking through the pictures, it was so worth it.

San Diego, I guess I will have to see you some other time.

Vacation Withdrawal

Suffering from vacation withdrawal. Just completed a trip to San Diego and San Francisco (with the family unit) for my birthday. Haven't had time to update you with the play by play on my San Diego trip but hopefully will soon enough. I also just delved right into the Atlanta nightlife as soon as I got back to try to shake away the vacation blues (nothing better than that) and have some information I can possibly share on that, even though I was not such a good girl on those trips.

San Diego was okay. Not as awesome as San Fran but worthy of a second shot.  I had heard loads of good stuff about it so I had larger than life expectations. Watching the sunset at the several bars along Pacific Beach I would have to say for me was the highlight, plus eating all the scrumptious food in Little Italy. It had its moments and I will share the fine details along with pictures as soon as I get my head around it all. 

So if you're reading this, I wish myself a Happy (now belated) Birthday (and I hope you wish me one too). 

One month

Today is officially one month since I last talked to "Trouble".

Not that I haven't tried to initiate conversation. I have sent texts and emails that have gone unanswered. I guess some people are better at cutting ties than others. I mean, the Negro didn't even call me on my birthday. After the last email below, I promised myself that truly this would be the last time I contact this Negro. I know from calling him that my number is no longer saved in his phone. I suppose he wanted to avoid accidentally calling me. That realization hurt a lot. Everything about this has hurt. But I thought today I would make one final statement as to why it hurts, not because I am in love with him, or obsessed (but you all know I have obsessions). It hurts for the following reasons which I may have said here and there in my updates:

1. I specifically asked God when we were together that He should make this work. I didn't want to be involved in something that would start and end abruptly. I wanted something that would be substantial and last, maybe not lead to marriage but it would be a fulfilling relationship for the two of us. Helped me build on some things and teach me what it feels like to share my space with someone. I prayed about this constantly when we were together. And lo and behold, it ended, badly for that matter, worse than I would ever have envisioned. Something about the faith I put in my prayers and God letting me down just hurts, it hurts even as I type this.

2. Not only did it end, it ended in the worse way possible. We are total enemies. To the extent that I am sure if I were to bump into him at a function, I wouldn't say hi and he would not do the same. Could we not at least have parted as friends? It's like some Satan entered into his being and made him do a complete 360, not a partial 180 but a complete "I-hate-Anita-dont-even-want-her-number-in-my-phone" cold shoulder. That's just cruel. Why would God let Satan come in and do his number like that?

3. Once again, I was alone on my birthday. For once I had imagined that it would be different. That I would have someone to share my birthday with, but nope, Satan still won that day over. I dragged myself to the station myself after a tumultuous night in which I discovered the deleted phone number debacle, and I spent the day with no fond phone calls from anyone (asides from my family). It was just a sparse day. Completely unexpected since I had spent the last two months being involved with someone and helping them spend their birthday.

4.. Finally, even with the debacle and Satan coming to take away a relationship I had begged God for, even with that I still trust that God is present in all this chaos and I have continued to pray. At this point, you wonder why and what for? I don't even really know. I want God to make this pain stop, pain of rejection, pain of having my prayers feel like they were ignored (that along with my emails) to help me recover from this, and to please not let me set myself up for failure. This would make 2 things I personally prayed and asked God for this year and He just totally ignored me. I asked to move out of this city. That didn't work out. If that had worked out, I wouldn't have met this Negro or been involved with him. But then, I did, so I thought, did God make prayer number 1 not work out just so prayer number  2 might, and lo and behold, no it didn't. It was just setting me up for failure, tantalizing me with a hint of a relationship, making me feel like everything was okay with my life and unfortunately, it's not.

So in summary, this is my pain. This is why I am so angry. It's been about 2 months now since this pain, this Satan came into my relationship and just destroyed it. Jesus was tempted for 40 days and nights, by my calculation, this has been 50 days, so I've far exceeded the trials and tribulation period. I should be going into the happy zone, if God would let me, find me worthy. With this I shall lay my anger down, release all the negative energy and just let it be. So you see it's not really about him, as in "Trouble" it's more about something a lot deeper that far surpasses him and his childish foolishness. It was more about asking God for a chance to experience a relationship and Him (God) disappointing me. That's what makes me so mad.

Enjoy what is hopefully, God willing my last initiated correspondence to him.

Remember when I fell in the shower and I told u something bad was about to happen. That was the last time I saw u and we had sex... so i guess it was right. Something bad did happen.

Hey you!
Happy fathers day!
Hope you're doing good.

 

A post you may not like

I miss my friend really badly. 

I missed him while I was on vacation in one of the most beautiful cities. 

I missed him coming back, dreading coming back to the whole emptiness of it all. 

I miss the anticipation I used to have when he'd tell me he was coming over. 

I miss how happy I used to be with him, thinking and praying that I hope this happiness doesn't end. I miss the long phone calls. Oh, the long phone calls. And the kissing, sometimes soft, sometimes tender, always soothing. 

I miss him a lot. I know I shouldn't but I do. I know he doesn't miss me but I miss him. It's just uneven how men can break away without any ties but we women are left holding the bag, missing them incessantly. That's how I feel this morning. Monday morning a week after my birthday. I feel... lost. 

I feel like there's no one to talk to about my vacation, no one to eagerly await my return. 

No one picked me up from the airport and no one called me when I got home. It's just a sad existence.

How to Resist the Urge to Call

They should have a Self Help book titled, "How to Resist the Urge to Call." And it should be written by men because they're the ones who do so well with breaking severing ties. And I should own that book, read it carefully, religiously, daily and if possible, memorize the words verbatim by now. It should be my Relationship Bible. I should subscribe to the weekly feeds. They should have a 1-800 number that I can call once that urge comes over me (and certainly it would, like once or twice a day), and I should have that number memorized as well to use it to fight that inconsolable pitiable urge.

Needless to say, I always want answers and until I get the answers I cannot resist the urge to call. But calling doesn't necessarily mean you'll get the answers, it just means it would add more hurt to the hurt that's supposed to be dissipating with time. It just sets back that clock. From 5 days to my last attempted call to 1 day to my last attempted call. Plus it just makes you seem desperate and we truly, truly hate that. They will never understand that you just want answers. A Curious Cat like me...of course I want answers. I also want resolutions. I hate it when there's silence on the other line. But these are all issues the self-help book would hopefully help me to resolve.

I wonder why no one's ever thought of that by now.