One month

Today is officially one month since I last talked to "Trouble".

Not that I haven't tried to initiate conversation. I have sent texts and emails that have gone unanswered. I guess some people are better at cutting ties than others. I mean, the Negro didn't even call me on my birthday. After the last email below, I promised myself that truly this would be the last time I contact this Negro. I know from calling him that my number is no longer saved in his phone. I suppose he wanted to avoid accidentally calling me. That realization hurt a lot. Everything about this has hurt. But I thought today I would make one final statement as to why it hurts, not because I am in love with him, or obsessed (but you all know I have obsessions). It hurts for the following reasons which I may have said here and there in my updates:

1. I specifically asked God when we were together that He should make this work. I didn't want to be involved in something that would start and end abruptly. I wanted something that would be substantial and last, maybe not lead to marriage but it would be a fulfilling relationship for the two of us. Helped me build on some things and teach me what it feels like to share my space with someone. I prayed about this constantly when we were together. And lo and behold, it ended, badly for that matter, worse than I would ever have envisioned. Something about the faith I put in my prayers and God letting me down just hurts, it hurts even as I type this.

2. Not only did it end, it ended in the worse way possible. We are total enemies. To the extent that I am sure if I were to bump into him at a function, I wouldn't say hi and he would not do the same. Could we not at least have parted as friends? It's like some Satan entered into his being and made him do a complete 360, not a partial 180 but a complete "I-hate-Anita-dont-even-want-her-number-in-my-phone" cold shoulder. That's just cruel. Why would God let Satan come in and do his number like that?

3. Once again, I was alone on my birthday. For once I had imagined that it would be different. That I would have someone to share my birthday with, but nope, Satan still won that day over. I dragged myself to the station myself after a tumultuous night in which I discovered the deleted phone number debacle, and I spent the day with no fond phone calls from anyone (asides from my family). It was just a sparse day. Completely unexpected since I had spent the last two months being involved with someone and helping them spend their birthday.

4.. Finally, even with the debacle and Satan coming to take away a relationship I had begged God for, even with that I still trust that God is present in all this chaos and I have continued to pray. At this point, you wonder why and what for? I don't even really know. I want God to make this pain stop, pain of rejection, pain of having my prayers feel like they were ignored (that along with my emails) to help me recover from this, and to please not let me set myself up for failure. This would make 2 things I personally prayed and asked God for this year and He just totally ignored me. I asked to move out of this city. That didn't work out. If that had worked out, I wouldn't have met this Negro or been involved with him. But then, I did, so I thought, did God make prayer number 1 not work out just so prayer number  2 might, and lo and behold, no it didn't. It was just setting me up for failure, tantalizing me with a hint of a relationship, making me feel like everything was okay with my life and unfortunately, it's not.

So in summary, this is my pain. This is why I am so angry. It's been about 2 months now since this pain, this Satan came into my relationship and just destroyed it. Jesus was tempted for 40 days and nights, by my calculation, this has been 50 days, so I've far exceeded the trials and tribulation period. I should be going into the happy zone, if God would let me, find me worthy. With this I shall lay my anger down, release all the negative energy and just let it be. So you see it's not really about him, as in "Trouble" it's more about something a lot deeper that far surpasses him and his childish foolishness. It was more about asking God for a chance to experience a relationship and Him (God) disappointing me. That's what makes me so mad.

Enjoy what is hopefully, God willing my last initiated correspondence to him.

Remember when I fell in the shower and I told u something bad was about to happen. That was the last time I saw u and we had sex... so i guess it was right. Something bad did happen.

Hey you!
Happy fathers day!
Hope you're doing good.