As I wrote down the entries in my diary I thought aloud to myself:

"No one's ever gonna fucking understand your psyche, what the fuck you're talking about, or why you talk about irrelevant stuff all the time?"

But I didn't care. Because this is a diary...about me. Mine. It is where I am free to be me...and I should always have at the back of my mind that I am writing it for me, for reference to me, so that in the times when I am down, I can refer to it and put my self in that place where I was at the time I wrote it. You see in the midst of all this online/world wide web diary idea we sort of lost the intial reasoning behind a journal. It is for us. If it were written on pen and paper in a little decorative notebook somewhere, you think we would want anyone to read it. Nope. So why do we want people to read it now...and like it or understand it, or anything that bizarre.


Now, that I have said my peace, I feel better. So I am free to talk about my crush, or my sexual fantasies--since I haven't had sex in so long---or talk about anything the heck I want to, and I really don't want to be worried if I am popular or not.

I find very few journals fascinating because they write down their thoughts as well, that's always more intriguing than: "I went to buy a dress, a long dress, a blue dress, I went to lunch ate fish and tofu...blah, blah, blah..."

I read up on Kurt Cobain on last month's issue of Spin. The headline read:


"You gotta read Kurt's journals. He wrote obsessively and there were literally hundreds of unsent letters...No one else had read them except for Kurt and Courtney. They (the journals) reveal him to be both very disturbed and brilliant."


A journal is supposed to say a lot about a person...and in some ways privacy means a lot too. That's what I want mine to be...about me, represent the thoughts I keep locked up inside, I wish I could tell someone knowing no one would understand, and still I urge to release out of me. Just something that represents me.


I don't want to be popular...I just want to have a reference of what the other side of me looks like...ugly, clear, precise, childish, playful, petty, misunderstood, horny or whatever indication it may represent.

It should just be me...anita.