It feels good just to say that. But not as good as it felt really that day when I heard my name called and I walked up the podium to accept my certificate. It was wonderful. Far better than any rush of adrenaline fire power known to man. Better than alcohol, jumping off a building, better than sex. Yes, it was. I just felt so free, and relaxed like the tense air I had been breathing for the past 6 or more years of my educational life had been cleansed and eased off, being blown with a cleansing breeze, and the dust allowed to fall off onto the floor for me to trample on with my high-heel shoes and black suit---which were the outfits we were ordered to wear for the ceremony.
Has my life changed since then...hell yeah. But not so much for the better. And in some ways more of a learning and growing experience much more than a good experience. I haven't had any children or added any other degree to my accolade which are the attributes now of all the people I went to school with. I have just grown and fattened in my state of despair. I now know that you have to enjoy that last day of schoool and stretch the excitement and elation as far as it would go for all its worth because after then, the real world comes in. And then, if you do not make the right decision somewhere along the line it might just be downhill. Like I somehow suspect it was for me.
I got fatter: The dress I wore that day, the jacket and even the shoes no longer fit me. Am I happy about it? NO. But can I do something about it. I hope so. But...I'll leave that to my psyche.
I have a deeper appreciation for myself: For who I am as a woman, and what I want. And I know better than to pursue a course of study just because it sounds prestigious and not because it has potential or I enjoy it. That was my main reason for wanting to be a lawyer. I was smart so everyone figured, "Hey! you're smart, you should do something with your brain" And so I did. I am not too sure it was the best thing I could do with my brain. I did pass my Bar exams with Honors but everything else from there...I didn't pass. I was too disatisfied to care.
I now know more about love and about life, and I have broadened my area of study. Back then, I knew diddly squat about computers, WWW, building webpages, HTML, powerpoint, Word and about anything else. All I wanted was to have a cool boyfriend who would fall hopelessly in love with me. We would go to clubs and do stuff during the weekend and then we would grow to become a "couple."
Such low ambitions I had. Then, being a feminist was just a word that I heard in movies, I never figured I would be living and loving to live as one. But that's life, we bite the fingers that had one day slapped us.
I remember then, I was hopelessly pursuing this guy Kevin. He wasn't all that. But did I think so at the time. Nope. He had broken up with me but we still used to hook up once inawhile. And then that weekend of my graduation, he vanished. He didn't wwant to take my calls, or see me. I called his friends incessantly to try to get a message to him. But he still pretended like he didn't know me. I remember driving up to his house which was in some god-awful neighbourhood, and seeing him drive out, smirking to himself with surprise, suprise, his girlfriend in the car with him. He had the decency (because he knew i came from very far) to stop and peak to me, but he refused to let me inside the house for fears the girl might "beat" me down or something. Then, I asked him, nicely, "Would you come to my graduation with me?'
To which he replied, "Why would I want to do a thing like that?" His face straught dripping with arrogance.
I don't think I have ever felt as much chill run through me from discontenet as I felt right then and there. It wwas all too much to handle in just one afternoon.
Thank God I was slim back then, can you imagine if it had happened now that I am overweight. I wouldn't have had an ounce of self-confidence to find my way home. But I did. And I moved on, and moved out. And I went on to discover myself...which really isn't too bad.
So here's to me and becoming me...and to becoming what I truly want to be...special.
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