I’ve been away.
After an emotionally charged solo Christmas how could I not be. You learn so much about yourself when you’re allowed to sit with your emotionally charged thoughts alone at Christmas. You learn to accept the fact that your single and not only single but single and alone. No friends inviting you to come visit and share Christmas bread with them, no family within a 100 mile radius, no loved one sitting and exchanging presents with you. It’s just you in the emotional hyperactive state you’ve been put in (due to recent events) and it’s not always a good thing. You learn to go from tears to laughter, from hibernation to sudden exuberance, from starvation to over-consumption, from alcohol abstention to alcohol binges (or alcohol dosing as I chose to call it). I was just teetering on extremes. The first day I don’t even remember showering, I had to be talked into it via a whatsapp conversation with my only good friend who happened to be conveniently several miles away urging me to stay strong.
Knowing that I can show weakness singletons, that I am not the superwoman I claimed to be, how can I preach to you all about how awesome the single life is? Well, I am strong. However, every once in awhile I lay down my guard and let someone in - big mistake. As the same friend eloquently stated (via whatsapp no less) don’t let yourself fall in love, not at 40. You can at 20 (or 30) but not at 40, because it hurts more. It hurts more when the bloke even though he’s your age is still an asshole, one would think the asshole reins would have been retired at a certain age, don’t you? Nevertheless, this will not happen to me again. I will learn to play the game just as well as the men do. I will learn to give in and accept less and to protect and shield more of myself. If I had thought of myself more I wouldn’t have been left in the deplorable state I was in. My idea was to subject myself and this 100% exterior I have so carefully built for a man. I chipped away at it ever so slightly just enough to let someone else build on it. Like they say, men don’t love super human women, they prefer you to show a little sign of weakness, give them something to do. So I did. Never again. It left me scrambling and bopping around for hope, for food, for sanity, for liquor, for divine intervention over Christmas....and that my friends is not a good place to be when the entire world is celebrating the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Folks are opening presents and hugging and kissing and caroling and excited to see their family and loved ones, I was sitting in a dark room afraid to face the day just because I laid down my guard.
But this is not a pity party post. It’s a self help post. It’s an acknowledgment of victory. Yes, I fell, yes I hurt too, I’m not super human, yes, I had a resounding weak moment. But I learned from it. With the dawn of the New Year, or maybe sometime before that (trust me, my pity party didn’t last that long once I realized Jesus was the reason for the season) I picked myself up, cooked myself a fabulous Christmas dinner, aided by lots of Mimosas, and I decided to start again. With an awakening this time to rebuild, with love and self-assurance, whatever that was broken from my 100% exterior and to retain it as mine, after the rebuilding effort is completed. No disguised love will tear this gals exterior again. And if they attempt to, I will replay my decrepit state every time I find myself giving in. In other words, I would say “Do you want to go back to that Anita? Christmas 2014, remember?” And once the image of my pitiable self comes to mind I would immediately take up my self-esteem self-protection shield and continue with the boldness that has been awarded to me.
That is my message of hope. Build that protective shield Singletons for there are many that will try to pry it from your hands offering nothing, not even love, just a waste of space, a handful of thrusts and a few laughs, but we are built for something more, we deserve something more. In the course of finding that, let us give ourselves the more that we deserve - US - until someone more deserving of us comes along.
I apologize for the silence over the holidays. Now you know why.
Happy New Year all, here’s to living and loving out loud in 2015!
But this is not a pity party post. It’s a self help post. It’s an acknowledgment of victory. Yes, I fell, yes I hurt too, I’m not super human, yes, I had a resounding weak moment. But I learned from it. With the dawn of the New Year, or maybe sometime before that (trust me, my pity party didn’t last that long once I realized Jesus was the reason for the season) I picked myself up, cooked myself a fabulous Christmas dinner, aided by lots of Mimosas, and I decided to start again. With an awakening this time to rebuild, with love and self-assurance, whatever that was broken from my 100% exterior and to retain it as mine, after the rebuilding effort is completed. No disguised love will tear this gals exterior again. And if they attempt to, I will replay my decrepit state every time I find myself giving in. In other words, I would say “Do you want to go back to that Anita? Christmas 2014, remember?” And once the image of my pitiable self comes to mind I would immediately take up my self-esteem self-protection shield and continue with the boldness that has been awarded to me.
That is my message of hope. Build that protective shield Singletons for there are many that will try to pry it from your hands offering nothing, not even love, just a waste of space, a handful of thrusts and a few laughs, but we are built for something more, we deserve something more. In the course of finding that, let us give ourselves the more that we deserve - US - until someone more deserving of us comes along.
I apologize for the silence over the holidays. Now you know why.
Happy New Year all, here’s to living and loving out loud in 2015!
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