I just feel so defeated.
I haven't felt like this in a long time. I've always been able to muster enough faith to get me through whatever I seem to be going through and with time things start to turn around. But this one...it's just continuous, like a rolling mosh pit of unfortunate events that has carried on for almost 2 years at this point. I keep waiting for things to turn around and they don't. I keep waiting for this dread to be over and it's not ending.
With each new month, I think this might be my month. This is the month stuff will turn around. Then nothing happens, instead something bad comes in to send my head on a tailspin. When I moved back to Nigeria, I thought surely God was trying to tell me to come back, surely all signs were leading me back to this place, to find me or a piece of me that I left behind. Since I've been back I've just experienced such extreme coldness and human betrayal, such that I'd never experienced in America and that's the most capitalist country in the world. People just don't want to reach out and touch. The climate's made them so cold, so distant, so tuned to everything financial. Sweet words remain just that, sweet words, as long as they don't materialize into money, people don't care. I've told my friend/lover countless times: I'm hurting, I need you, I'm in a bad state of hurt, I love you. Instead of resulting in a softening of his resolve it instead results in more coldness and weirdness and of course, my personal favorite, distance.
I haven't felt like this in a long time. I've always been able to muster enough faith to get me through whatever I seem to be going through and with time things start to turn around. But this one...it's just continuous, like a rolling mosh pit of unfortunate events that has carried on for almost 2 years at this point. I keep waiting for things to turn around and they don't. I keep waiting for this dread to be over and it's not ending.
With each new month, I think this might be my month. This is the month stuff will turn around. Then nothing happens, instead something bad comes in to send my head on a tailspin. When I moved back to Nigeria, I thought surely God was trying to tell me to come back, surely all signs were leading me back to this place, to find me or a piece of me that I left behind. Since I've been back I've just experienced such extreme coldness and human betrayal, such that I'd never experienced in America and that's the most capitalist country in the world. People just don't want to reach out and touch. The climate's made them so cold, so distant, so tuned to everything financial. Sweet words remain just that, sweet words, as long as they don't materialize into money, people don't care. I've told my friend/lover countless times: I'm hurting, I need you, I'm in a bad state of hurt, I love you. Instead of resulting in a softening of his resolve it instead results in more coldness and weirdness and of course, my personal favorite, distance.
Today when I woke up after just 3 hours (yes 3 hours) of sleep I thought, this has gotta end somehow. Either this ends or I end it...for me, put myself out of this misery because it obviously doesn't want to seem to want to end. No matter how hard I pray, trust, hope, believe, fast, cry and profess the positive, I never get to see a glimpse, just a dash of that rainbow. I see dark grey billowing clouds instead.
Not sure how much of this I can take any longer? Not sure how much of this I am built for?
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