I took this picture at a very sad time in my life. I was involved with someone and it was his birthday and instead of spending it with me, he chose not to. I woke up that day and got my hair done the way he would have liked it, if he had been there, and went to Easter Sunday brunch with my girlfriend. After that I went to see a Simon and Garfunkel cover band in East Atlanta while sipping $5 beers. I took this picture just before the brunch when I realized, "So this is my day, and it's okay. He's not here but we will be okay." And in the end it was. It ended up being one of the funnest days and, best Easter Sundays I've had in recent times.
For the past year since I moved back to Nigeria, I've been lost, tethering at extremes, searching for me. The Anita Writes I remember was just having to start from ground zero with no job, no friends, new environment, no Simon and Garfunkel cover band to take the edge off, no $5 beers and no girlfriends to brunch with. It's just been me trying to find me. And in the search for me, I thought I could use a relationship or force a relationship to try to fill the void, make me feel better about me. So I started dealing with a pseudo relationship and its attendant horrific and demeaning circumstances. But you see that goes against everything I stand for, that I've always stood for, that I represent. I don't believe men or relationships can help you be YOU. You have to do that for yourself. I actually abhor people who can't stand on their own without being in some type of pseudo relationship no matter how miserable it makes them. I think to myself when I see them, "Where's their backbone, their sense of self, their womanhood?" It's gone. But slowly I became that person and it just made me seem like a fraud.
In between that I kept hearing, "Oh you don't seem too happy to be single," and it hurt me, because that is so not the case. I am Anita and single is what I do best. I was just without my elements and having to start over. And I've had to start over twice in my life. That can do its damage on a person, their psyche, their temperament and makeup. During that time, most people told me they can understand what I'm going through, but the fact of the matter is, very few make a big change in their lives. They all just kind of sit there examining the plateau. They don't change countries (or any location that matter) and start over, they don't even get out of bad marriages (or relationships) no matter how miserable they are. They just sit there and avoid rocking the boat just so they don't have to experience the kind of upheaval I've experienced this last 365. But me, I'm in search of a way to live my best life now, so much so, the life is almost over and I'm still searching. And I will keep on with that pursuit never giving up until it's found. Just so I don't live with the "what if's" and regrets of things I never pursued.
This will be the last personal information I share on this blog or any medium. This will also be the last time I seem like I'm loosing control of the me, single and happy Anita that I am. This would be the last time I would reach out and expect a man or whomever to complete me. I will work through my void and pick up the pieces the best way I know how. And I will get a motherfucking grip. I will be an adult and pray that God is on my side. One day He will bring me the Simon and Garfunkel cover band and the $5 beers and the girlfriends to brunch with. But right now let's just understand ourselves and enjoy what it truly means to start over on our own making decisions that serve our selfish purpose and no one else's, and basking in what it truly means to be, single and free.
Thank y'all for understanding...
-----Anita Writes
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