Have to be in the mood for July

It takes a while to gather up the mood to write.

I have to be in the right mood to write, especially assignment pieces. For my journal, it's almost getting to be that way.

All day, I constantly have poignant thoughts randomly flash through my mind but I have to be in the mood to put them down in some coherent fashion because once you sit to write, the coherence floats away - the computer screen steals it and you start to mumble all the details, this and that, but its all jumbled. It does not read quite as coherent as when you thought it. Except maybe if you were drunk when you had those thoughts. Needless to say, that I actually do have very deep thought provoking A-ha moments when I am drunk, it's like the alcohol places those emotions you had long suppressed into the forefront and gives you some armor to confront them with a sense of conviction.

I remember when I used to write for a living, this was some time after law school before America. Yes, I actually had a chance to make my big break but I thought I would have a better opportunity here. Yep, sometime in that phase when I was trying to run away and make a fresh start, I used to write for a living. We had one week to complete a radio screenplay with a theme which was chosen for you. Hence, an assignment piece. Assignment pieces are different from "free for all"s because, there is a theme and the theme is not at your discretion. That just ruins the flexibility and creativity involved in writing by setting some type of boundaries.

For me for those 7 days, nothing would come to my head until day 5. And even then, I would try so hard to tap into that part of me that feels. Don't get me wrong, I feel everyday. But there's a part of you that hurts and feels every pain, that listens and dwells and that aches and is in touch with you, that part is the part that produces the best dialogue, the most heart-wrenching stories, it's best part of your creativity. It's your A-Ha part. It's like being "on" at all times. And that part would take 5 days for me to tap into. So 2 days to deadline, I would have to drink, eat, sit in a dark room, everything to tap into it. Finally, it would come. And my script supervisor always got a good chuckle whenever she read one of mine.

Now, I don't know. I don't think I've found my A-ha moment. I would like to be a given a chance, a permanent opportunity to try to tap into it, day after day after day. I would like that to be my occupation.

That's my July 1st prayer.