Day 365

The last 365 days have been some of the hardest, most emotionally wrenching days of my adult life. 40 just hit me with a bang and slapped me silly. So tough, so lonely, so depressing, almost reminiscent of the first 365 in America when I started this blog just so I could have some place to let off steam so as not to explode. It's just been rollercoaster of ills after another. I keep waiting to turn the corner and see the light through a crack or something, but still nothing. I wonder, what is it about changing locations that just brings on the struggles.

I've faced so much rejection, back stabbing, gossip, anger - expressed and experienced - bitterness and in some ways, snobbery. I've also experienced so much loneliness that I watch the hour tick by as the rest of the world has fun. I've had several days where I couldn't get out of bed, and some days I did, and I wondered, so why did you? I've had shit thrown at my face at every instant and I've found myself ignoring the shit just so I could find my smile. I've just been a colossal mess and I've seen my life unravel and become a colossal failure. 

The other day I found myself almost begging at an interview to be hired. I just had to stop myself and say, NO, Anita, you don't BEG, You can ASK but you definitely don't beg. Most especially for a job I know I will want to quit within the next year. And even knowing that, I still got rejected for it, subtle rejection but a rejection nonetheless. The whole thing just left me speechless. 

I flashback to so many days and think, maybe I could have stopped any of this shit from happening to me if I was more intuitive. When someone tells you that you can't come live in their house even though said house is in a shitty location and has everything crappy about it, they still don't want you to live there. When they say that, you should really listen because despite the fact that you're familia they can still reject you. When someone also tells you that they can't come visit you in said house because it is way too faraway, you should take that as a sign that He's Just Not That Into You and he's just subtly rejecting you, because as was said in the movie, if a guy likes you, he'll come see you no matter how far away you are. 

I just live in this cocoon where I imagine things are great, and that I can ignore such idiosyncrasies and use love and kindness to bridge the gap between "NO I don't want you" to "Okay I DO want you." It doesn't work that way when folks are set in their ways. I've just seen the other side of the mercenary lifestyle here that money speaks volumes and love, it's regarded as bullshit. Sometimes I've prayed that these experiences do not turn me into one of them: a slave to money, wealth, a strategist. Most times, I've just prayed for the strength to one day wake up and have all this nonsense of the last 365 behind me. 

Most people tell you they can understand what you're going through, but the fact of the matter is, no one makes a big change in their life. They all just kind of sit there examining the plateau. They don't change countries (or any location for that matter) and start over, they don't even get out of bad marriages. They just sit there and avoid rocking the boat just so they don't experience the kind of upheaval I've experienced this last 365. But me, I'm in search of a way to live my best life now, so much so, the life is almost over and I'm still searching.

They talked about rejection today at church. They said we should pray that God helps us defeat rejection and that He grants us the faith to overturn rejection. I just listened to that and smiled, how much faith can I use to overturn this one because I've just been hit with a shitload. 

Day 365 - What have I learnt from it? To not turn into one of them. To still believe that love and God's grace conquers all. God's gotten me through so many battles, so many times I've been in situations where folks have said, this will never happen for you and I've said God, but You can make it happen for me. Let's go make it happen. And you know what, He has! They can be mean, proud, selfishly content with their lives and I don't fault them for that, I just want to get what's mine and hope that in doing so I can put all the drama and foolishness thrown at me, really and truly behind me. 

Day 366 - God, I ask you now to turn things around for Anita, enough of this nonsensical rejection and relocation upheaval. It's time to make things happen for Anita. Do it like only You can. By Your Mighty Name I pray. Amen.