Anger Redefined...

I just thought that...

I just thought that

I would wake up today

and I would feel better, you know?

But I was still mad.

And I realized...

I realized that it had nothing

to do with .....

I wake up like this

every morning!

I am angry all the time,

and I don't know why.

....from the movie, Crash

I remember when I first heard this in a movie. It summarized my feelings, my demeanor and I responded to it immediately. I remember thinking, this writer certainly knows me, knows all of us who feel a tinge of pain and anguish without knowing exactly whence from. A couple of days ago, after a fit of rage that was on day 3, I sat down to explain to a dear friend what exactly was wrong with me, and it came to me. 

Sometimes I wake up and I am angry at my life. I get angry at the choices I've made and how they haven't always been the best choices even though I always promise to make better choices. I get angry at where I am in life and wish I could retrace my steps and avoid taking that step that led me to where I am that is causing me to be very angry. I get angry that I cannot seem to be able to make better choices no matter how hard I try, and I have tried really hard to make better choices, but I still end up in shitty situations. The anger just consumes me and I get irritated and bitter. It's been like this for awhile now. Since I first moved to America and felt out of place. I thought, I am a professional I should know better than to get myself in this situation. Then, with the jobs I worked, some good, some not so good. I thought, I am a lawyer why am I taking orders from lawyers who just passed the bar. And so on and so on. 

With relationships it's a different kind of pain depending on who I'm messing with at that time. One minute I am mad crazy about them and want them in my life no matter what and then, sometimes, I don't even know they exist, wonder what all that wasted anger and energy towards an undeserving human being was for.  But all these accumulate into a very angry, bitter young woman. 

My name is Anita and I am angry most of the time...and now I know why.