When His News Means Nothing

In the pulsating critically acclaimed drama, Queen Sugar. In the premiere episode, one of the sisters enraged by her discovery of her basketball husband's lies, approached him mid-game in the basketball court, tearing and screaming at him repeatedly, "What did you do? What did you do?"  

Every time I tap into myself that image captures my mood so adequately. 

It's not cause I have a husband who's been lying. Far from it. Because...it's because I'm trying to get a grip of what's going on right now and it's like spinning out of control. My head, my heart, my entire being. I just wanna grab it mid-spin and yell, "What are you doing? What would you want me to do? Can you stop spinning?"

I could break dishes. I would. Would that make the pain feel better? If I could scream maybe that would but I'm not much of a screamer and loudness only goes so far. I could pray. Which I have and I continue to do so. But sometimes I feel like that just makes it worse. There are so many options that have been presented still...still none can stop what's happening or the hurt from cutting even deeper. 

I simply don't know what to do. I can't fully understand or appreciate what is transpiring instead I'm supposed to accept it and somehow be okay with it and then at some point, celebrate it (or let it go). Consequent to that I'm supposed to pretend that it's SO OK that this is happening right now and that my mind is not completely warped by it, that I somehow would want this to happen and that this is just a phase that will pass and that there's a future, and in that future everything makes sense. Does it? And I should look forward to that future...really? Did I look forward to this time in the past?

I cannot do any of these things. Not one. Or maybe I've just chosen not to. My feeble mind is strained by the hopeless circumstances of the world that's spinning around me. And all it wants to do is feel. And what I feel, what this feels like is...like sitting still in a throbbing bowl of hurt...which is...nothing like I've ever felt before.

Black women go through a lot in this life. We go through it and we somehow manage to come out strong, a little dented and bruised maybe but we still power through it. It's the going through it that's the rub. How do you avoid stepping into that hurt? How do you shield yourself from the hurt? How do you survive the hurt?