I had a horrible weekend. I didn't go to church. I just spent more than $400 on nothing. I had a horrible weekend. I hate this.
Update:

I got an apartment I liked on Friday. Made a down payment of $200.

I told the family. They were furious. It's no time to cut the umblical cord yet. You don't have job security. It's unsafe to live alone. You don't have enough money saved. You need a new car more than you need new space and some deserved privacy.

One minute they agree. I lose my chance to collect my down payment.

Today. Mother's day. They say NO. Why do I so fucking care what they think? They quote additional reasons to those above. It's on the walk-in level. You are not safe on that level. A young girl alone is bad, really bad. You don't have enough money saved.

I am so distraught and sorry for myself. I hate this. I have lost my down payment and the opportunity to that beautiful pool view apartment, with the serene look at my life and my worries inwardly. They don't understand. How can they? I know what I am doing. I just need a little more time and I can so work this out.

I feel sorry for myself. This isn't the way my life is supposed to be. I have no responsibilities holding me down from flying, from adventure, so why can't I soar irresponsibly. Why do I have to seek permission like a married woman with 5 kids suffering from all the unnamed maladies.

So, I didn't go to church. I didn't finalize on the apartment. And I don't know what I am doing? What is wrong with my life? Do you see anything wrong with this picture, cos' I do.

I keep picturing all these famous succesful actors on Inside The Actor's Studio who talk of their youth and how much their parents resented their venture into the risky business known as acting, how they suffered at first and relented and have now become the people we know as stars and able to absorb and enjoy the worldly spoils uncontrollably. Why can't I be that selfless? Why do I fucking care, why can't I stick to my goals, and my desires and go headfirst? Sure I may hit a few bricks along the way but something may work out in the end.

I had a really bad weekend. This is it.

Lord, help me see through this with my brain intact and my passion to do your will rising above mine.

Amen!