Relationships confuse me.
I feel I am very open, very verbal and also very emotional. Once you are any of these things it just sets you up for failure in the relationship world. I am just so thoroughly confused by them.
I spent all last week trying to understand why I let "attorney guy" back into my life. I had spent all that time trying to forget him, hoping to hate him, even after I had dreamt that I hadn't achieved that completely (I was up to 95% at the time I had that dream) and trying to move on to me. A year had passed from the quite so memorable I don't-want-you-I-want-her confrontation and I thought I had moved away from all that mentally and emotionally.
But now I am right back where I started. I knew I was vulnerable but I thought I was strong enough, I mean after all these months and time spent by myself, knowing myself, I should have grown considerably stronger. It's like the time spent healing didn't even happen. And you know what's so bad about all this is that he still has the upper hand. I didn't even gain some type of leverage in all this. I just totally lost, I'm losing and I feel sorry for myself.
I knew that day driving in to have drinks with him that I was setting myself up to do away with a year's worth of healing. I knew it but I thought I had moved away from all that. I thought I was a strong woman. You think you know yourself but apparently not. Not when it comes to relationships.
So I don't understand relationships. I don't understand myself for wanting them. I don't understand how to deal with the turmoil that results from them. How do you totally deal? How do you completely, I mean completely get over someone?
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