So it continues the aimless year continues. And we come to the 16th day.
I made some resolutions to myself when this year started, actually before it started. You know those things you say to yourself during Christmas and you say, yeah we'll start them when the New Year starts.
One of them was that I will start cooking more. Just because, I sat through Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners having to hear what a fantastic cook my sister is, and I thought to myself, maybe that's what's wrong with me. I don't know how to cook. I don't immediately have that motherly instinct that involves wanting to cater to someone.
The other resolution was to be more carefree. I normally over think things. I say, this is not what a lady would do. In the past year if you've been paying attention, some of those inhibitions have sort of flown out the window. But even in the brief moments that they have, when I've become this "other woman". I always wake up with some type of guilt. Overwhelming guilt and shame so that I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror for days and I try, oh, I try so hard to forget what I just did. It takes a while but eventually it fades into my memory until the next time I get stupidly drunk and I do stupid things.
One of such moments happened last night with someone who has been featured quite a bit in this blog. I was drunk. He was not quite as drunk as I was. I let him start and I didn't stop him and he stopped but I just kept on going like a raving sex-starved lunatic. Needless to say we made it to third base and fell a few yards shy of a home run.
Since then, I've been apologizing like some type of idiot. But each one of my apologies has been met with silence on the other line thus making me feel even worse. I don't know if the going crazy route thing is for me because I seem to be doing it so badly. Some women do it so well and leave with their dignity intact ready to let their guards down another day. Apparently, not I.
I want to live life and not be filled with regrets, wishing I had let my guard down more, wishing I had done this or that. But then, I still want to be able to stand myself when I do those things and not feel like I betrayed the lady I strive so hard to be. There needs to be some type of balance in there where you can live life to the lees and not compromise certain virtues. All in all, alcohol usurps all that in the end. It clouds judgment, usurps inhibition, just becomes the owner of your mind. So where is the balance...
That's all I can say for now.
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