So at 1:02 pm I sent this email to "attorney guy" and I am yet to receive a response. He gets real upset that I (i) talk about him on this blog, and (ii) that I share my personal emails to him with the rest of the world on this blog. But I do. Because it's what I am feeling at that time. At 1.02pm on the 25th of January, 2010, this is how Anita felt. And I want to remember that feeling.
I've felt certain things over the past and I can either not remember the day or the time, but I felt that hurt and sometimes I replay that hurting image in my head. Sometimes it helps you heal, you think that happened to a different Anita, this is 2020 Anita now and she doesn't feel that way. It generally helps. I remember the day I saw Shola kiss Binta from my dorm window in Law School. It hurt. I constantly replay that image in my head as one of the most hurtful images I've ever seen. That and the day my mum drove home and told me my dad had died. That hurt like shit. I still remember where I was standing and how bad I felt. How much in shock I was!
So I am not doing this to bash him. I know what is going on. He is just not that into me. He is confused. He is generally not feeling me the way I am feeling him. He doesn't know how to tell me he is not quite feeling me. I know. But the thing that gets me is I go through these motions. I spend sometime away from him and feel like I am okay but then, he comes back. It happened in 2008 and then again in 2009. All of sudden I was sitting in Twisted Taco a day before Thanksgiving and I get this email from him wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. Why? What the fuck was that about? What are you trying to do to me?
It helps to write about these things. It's like this big 'ole secret I've had that I had no one to talk to about until now. I am not ashamed that I shared my feelings with him. One should never be ashamed for telling another person how they really feel. He is the loser for not knowing what it feels to have something real. I've never had someone in my past tell me, "Oh Anita, your letters to me were too intense." Nope, they've always come back to say, "You were the real deal and I just didn't understand it at the time." So fuck it if he doesn't know. This is it and I feel fucked and slightly disappointed but this is it. This is how I feel and I want you to know it. I hate to feel like this but I do. And that's what's most hurtful about this whole thing. You know what makes it worse is that Valentine's is just around the corner, way to get screwed when lover's day is staring you right in the fucking face. So fuck with me, why don't you Cupid?
Hey you,
Yes it's another letter from yours truly. Another letter that would probably go unanswered. But here it goes...
Isn't it surprising that I always write you these letters. I write everything to everyone. I find it easier to express myself on paper than I do in person. That has been a pet peeve of most of my exes. I am just not that open in person I suppose. So what I wanted to say this time is to explain yesterday and some of the events of that night.
It's not just that you did not want to make love with me, or that you were ill prepared for the "event", but it's the way you looked at me. You did not want to touch me. I touched you. You did not want to kiss me. I kissed you. And this is not something I normally do and I did and to have you react like that was weird to me. That's why I kept apologizing. Then, to apologize to you and have you not respond, it made me feel even worse. Then, cut to yesterday. All I needed was someone to hold me even if it was for 10 minutes. I rarely have those kinds of moments when I need comfort - as far as I can remember it's happened twice in the last 5 years. I know you probably already had your day planned but it would have been nice to see you for 10 minutes. I just thought that was the least you could do. I hardly ever have those moments when I need someone or where I am bold enough to ask. I’ve been single for quite awhile so I am really used to it. But I had had a shitty night that led into a day and I just needed someone to lean on.
As it stands, I don't really know that much about you. I don't know where your head is at or what you want. But you know mine. You know it through my blog and my long letters to you. But I don't know what it is with you that I cannot figure out. All I know is we were friends almost 2 years ago, and then your ex came along and you ran off into the sunset with her and told me very hurtful things and that's about it. I don't know if you're still with her mentally or otherwise. I don't know. I don't know what you wanted when you reinstated communications with me. Did you want to go the Victor route or the friend route? From the tone of your conversation that first night, it seemed so but then, I don't know and I may never know. All I know is that it's been you, it's always been you. For some unfathomable reason it's always been.
And for what it's worth, I didn't sleep with "dj guy." No one's ever been successful enough to get past 3rd base with me. So...it's still all yours if you want it.
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