and so it comes to an end

Tomorrow is the last day for the girl who's leaving our firm to work for the courts. And tomorrow is the last day she will get to spend training me. And then, it shall start: the beginning of some long hard frustrating time.

I feel as if God is testing my patience and tolerance level to sort of reward me with something in the future. I hate to be bothered with certain things. Phone calls that distract you and attorneys that fail to look through a file and prefer to call you and ask what's contained in it. I have a short temper about those kinda things, and I always say to myself, switch anita off and put on, someone else, the most sublime person you can think of. But then, something boils inside me because I can't let anita loose to run free, the enraged person that she is. But this "promotion" with more responsibility is just God's way of telling me that you can become this calmer person, if you tried, tried really had. You can be patient, and so much more tolerable of people's shortcomings and that with Him I can overcome it all.

Flashback to today at work. My boss is scared that I may not be able to handle the new position. The other attorney the one who drives me crazy with her incessant phone calls is telling my boss and the girl that's leaving that I should curb my short temper because she is prepared to continue calling me every five minutes whether I like it or not. It's a never ending game with them. I am just not in the mood to lose my mind because of it.

I try to tell myself that I should probably remove my brain with a spoon and let someone eat the contents of it which are bad and tasteless while the good bits are refried and condensed into a somewhat palatable composition. I try to let myself know that this is me, and the bits of me that are evaporating are the parts that I need not be. However, is this who I am? Will it turn me into someone else?

I am so much of an inward person. I like to escape into myself and consult with my thoughts, and my excessive imagination. I know that because I could not live with my sister and her kids because they required my exposure from that shell. I fear that I might not be able to handle this new job because I might not want to face life outside that shell. The role is continous, and I am contstantly accepting challenges that I am faced with, I deny them when I find that I can exist comfortably without them.

This one I cannot. I need this job. I need the extra money--possibly $500 if I know who my boss is--and I need to maintain a normal existence. In the meantime my inward self shall search for a position as a writer, something that calls for my introvertedness and lack of self-expose.