Strangely I was thinking of Ke today. Whilst eating alone I found myself thinking about him. I wondered if he enjoyed it or if in some way he's getting sick of it as much as I am now, 9 months to 30. I was eating a bowl of pasta with that tomata basil sauce and garlic bread, and I remembered he liked to eat that because someone's sighted him eating that twice. I just thought, why? Because it's the kind of food you just want to dig into and you don't want someone else sitting on the other end of the table staring you down and it's just a feel-good feeling to sit and slurp by yourself.

To myself I just said a quiet prayer thinking: If you get what you want and what you want is not really what's good for you, maybe that's what 's wrong with this whole picture. Don't you think?

Is there a time I am not thinking about him?

YES.

It may seem uncanny because I always talk about it when I do and it seems to take over every entry in here sickening you all. But there are some moments when it's not even what's on the menu. This week for instance. When I am at work and it is so fucking hard, I never stop to think about him. Or when I am thinking of what in the heck am I going to do to this life of mine to get the career I want, I dont include him at all in those kinda thoughts. Those are realistic future planning thoughts and I must concentrate. He is not realism, more like a fantasy, escape, childishness, stupidity, obsession, and then more stupidity.

I just wish it could stop. You wish that one day you wake up and that heartache and continous longing would have stopped. And everyday you wake up and it's still the same feeling. That whatever it is feeling?

Whatever it is...

I am getting kinda sick of being by myself?

How about you?