to the woman

To the woman who has everything, more is given...and to the woman who has not...what gives?

Today, I had a weak moment and considered, thought out and plotted the insane text I would send to "attorney" guy. It would have said something like, "So, this sex thing you've been talking about, what time today?" And I would have gone in being the bold phenomenal woman I am *psych*, had sex and walked outta there, and said something like, "So, same time next Sunday, or what kind of schedule do you want us to be on? But I didn't. But it pained me in every way that I couldn't. When actually I think it should pain me more that I even considered it. Why did I even consider it, apart from the need to scratch an itch? Why consider satisfying that asshole and making him win at his game? WTF Anita...

Living with my mum is driving me batty so I need to have that place where I release, create and indulge in adult things. So far, there's no new prospect, I take that back there are quite a couple, but I am not really interested in them, and since I am not it just puts me in this awkward situation. Awkward itchy situation. 

So I talked it over with a couple of my girlfriends and they had differing opinions. I am not big on talking over my personal issues with my girlfriends, I would much rather go with my gut and know that my gut led me to it. I might talk it over with them and say, "Yes, you are right I won't do that", but if my gut and my heart leads me differently, that's exactly where I'll be, barring all advice I've received. Because in the end it's your life, it's your mistakes and it's your instinct, so go with it. Fuck what they think? Even though they may be right and sometimes your instinct may agree with them, but whatever it is, go with that instinct, by all means talk it over but do what your heart tells you. 

In summary, I didn't call. And I am hoping I never do. Not having sex with him is my one saving grace, my one "power" against him and if I loose it, (I already lost some of it by letting him get to 3rd base) I loose it all and I'll be helpless against him, with nothing else but unrequited emotions. Men don't care about how many people they score but women do. At least some women. There used to be a time when this wouldn't matter, I was that strong phenomenal woman I talked about, but this is not that time. For some strange unknown reason I lost that power and became something else. A hapless idiot! 

I am digressing...

In summary, there are two sides to this Anita coin. There is the Phenomenal Anita who would send the raunchy text and do those deeds and not give a shit, knowing that this would not lead to anything and knowing that I don't want it to except a hopeless satisfaction of an itch. I am not sure I am there yet. Then, there's the other Anita...who wants to sit here and hope and pray that she is given the strength and fortitude not to send that text. And if she does, she would lose her power, her self-respect and her dignity and be ranked with the rest of the "floozies". I am not there either. On good days I am but today was not that day. 

I am sitting on the fence leaning towards either side.