To The 41st Time

Each year as you all know I write a little mini tribute to my dear love Keanu on this blog on his birthday. It can be as poetic or as brief as I feel about him that year.

Today is Negro's birthday. I had promised myself I wouldn't acknowledge his birthday even if we were talking. Cruel and childish I admit, but hear me out. He shit all over mine and that is something that just sticks in my craw. The morning of, he sent me this cold, weak ass Happy Birthday text at the crack of dawn, and that just hurt but I had to shake off that negativity so I could bask in my day. I keep thinking, "Why could you not file away whatever anger you were feeling for that one day?" And then, if you want to send a cold ass Happy Birthday, why not sometime in the day not at crack of dawn and set the tone of my day. Then if it's first thing in the morning at least make it a warm fuzzy greeting, like you know me, like it's from the heart.

Ergo, I promised I wouldn't acknowledge his at all. Then, I came across this dedication I wrote for Keanu on his 43rd and thought it would be so appropriate for him on his 41st. So here it is edited accordingly.

I've been wanting to write. But I don't know what to say. It's not like I don't feel anything, or I have stopped thinking about him. I have not.  

Even in my quiet today I have wondered, what is he doing, is he having fun, dining alone (not likely) with loved ones, having sex (very likely) laughing his head off, or just sitting wondering, smoking taking in the day, and thinking softly, "What do I do, what can I do?" Who knows...So whatever you may be doing, underneath some broad(s), or just sitting alone in a restaurant sipping wine (Hennessy) and wondering why you are 41 and look great, or if you're happy with how your life turned out, or proposing to your new girl just before she gives you that birthday fuck we all know you enjoy. Whatever you are doing I hope this reaches you:

"Hey you, if you love when you love, hope she is something like me, even if it's just a little. It will make me feel better about this unrequited love that has stayed with me longer than I've known, it's made me compare the real ones to you and how they fail to come close. Hope she comes close. And if you stop to wonder today, who am I and if anyone ever really remembers that it's my birthday today, or what is my mission, or all those useless things that our minds cause us to wonder on our birthday, just stop and think, there's someone out of your reach, thinking simply, just thinking, wondering, why for the 43rd 41st year she just can't seem to quit you."